just woke up and he was jacking off in the corner.. am i being punked?
he wanted to give me a nickname... my choices were superjugs,godzilla boobs or mouth of fury
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
you rearended a car with your bike and then puked all over his back windshield. They made BUI's for you.
we had to stop you from eating moldy cake.. twice.
This is the last pregnancy scare i've had since i was 12 and i thought you could get pregnant from masturbating.
If you come, call before you come in. I'm tanning my balls. Enjoy that visual.
My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
i've been hiding in the laundry chute for like thirty minutes from her. not my manliest moment. but dude this is awesome
First highlight of the semester: campus safety caught me peeing in the dirt parking lot by kappa. Then as they were about to write me up, they recognized me, laughed, and left.
MY TITS ARE PERFECTLY CALM.
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
Its 7am I'm awake still drunk, there is food, random clothing and road cone in my room. I can't decide if this is a failure or a success???
You should have just fucked me in the bathroom when you had a chance!
Sorry i ignored you for so long. I think my vibrator is broken.
Randomize
