Sometimes I wonder if my friend studies mystic Christian theology because he's afraid to come out of the closet. Evidently, it's okay to talk about God coming inside you, but not to say the same about dudes.
Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
totally watching dr. phil and getting eaten out right now. be jealous.
i just kept saying he was red & i was blue and we couldnt become purple. I started crying at one point
You should make it a point to use vocabulary that is competition appropriate around him, like "champion" and "training" and "victory sex"
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game.
What if we made a bunch of weed butter and then poured the butter into tiny rectangular molds and then chilled it so it was solid again and then wrapped it with the tin foil wrapping from restaurant butter and then left them at restaurants and wreaked utter havoc.
You drink it until you puke in a vent one time and it's ruined forever.
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
What did we do last night and why in the fuck were there carrots in my pocket?
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
My head is bruised from having sex in the backseat of an explorer last night.
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
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