Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
It says i should accept HIV aids as my friend on facebook.We have 12 friends in common. I need new friends.
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
Heating the house with the oven may not be safe but at least it's always preheated
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
She devotes each year to either men or women. I waited all year for her to be straight, tonights the night.
You were screaming across the bar "BUYING US SHOTS ISN'T GOING TO MAKE US STRAIGHT, YA KNOW!!!!!!!!"
we left the music on while we were fucking. some kanye west song started playing and he started to cry
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
No it was fine, I've just never seen that many people eat dog food
You were a hurricane of blowjobs and glitter makeup. You came out of the closet and took the house down with it
You passed out and I didn't draw a penis on your face. Sister of the year.
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
It began the way the best stories do—with some naïve jackasses in a place they had no business being at.
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