I can't go out tonight I need to save my money for important things.....like rogaine and ecstasy.
Um, I don't really remember much about the event... and then I woke up on the metro..
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
By the way, turns out "Danny B" is his penis. Not his cousin. I was right.
how you manage to cockblock me from 500 miles away still baffles me.
Semen is not good for contacts.
Still had my bottle opener ring on. Started to give him a hand job. LOL
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
it's my birthday, i should be around people i want to fuck
I really dont wanna go to a traffic light party. I have nothing red to pretend I'm taken with. Without something red my "my girlfriend is away in the mines" story wont work.
He's my ex's boss. I'm not above sleeping with him for that fact alone.
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
I'm going to ride your dick until it falls off. That horny.
I'm equal parts terrified and turned on. Come over.
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
Yeah, we got drunk and stole road signs.
Randomize
