did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
Hold my feet while i lean out of the window of the truck.
I'm at your house, laying with your dog, eating taco meat, take your time.
I need a leash, or some shame. Maybe.
I don't know how I feel about the stuff we got from that guy. Me and Monty are driving through town listening to static at full blast...
i know i said i'd always be there for you, but i'm beginning to think that what you call "being there for me" the american judicial system calls reckless endangerment.
I'm sorry, our booty call lines closed at 2 am. If you are receiving this message it is our off hours. Please try again between the hours of 12pm and 2 am to reschedule your booty call. Thank you for your cooperation.
I almost bumped into a man wrapped only in a blanket at 10 am
It all started because he put my damn phone in his pants. By his crotch nonetheless.
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
Totally just made a post sex emergency cupcake run. My life is awesome.
I had the bathroom of girls sing you happy birthday while you puked. I couldn't stop laughing. They were all so supportive
My memory of last night is a delicious blur of tits, ass, and alcohol.
Randomize
