Next time, if you wake and bake, make sure you nail the wake part. Not easy to explain to mum. Or the fire brigade.
I've spent too much of my life staring at my bberry and counting to 5 to see if it blinks
Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
Dude. Muppets take manhattan on netflix instant. Pass my midterm or relive my childhood? Tough decision.
another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
You're the only person i know who can laugh and talk while puking
So basically he tried to get out of the car and crawl on the highway with the broken leg because he didn't want to go to the hospital. It was not a good time...then we got pizza though.
We told you to stay put for 2 minutes. We come back out and your being handcuffed yelling "DO YOU FEEL LIKE A GOOD FUCKING PERSON ARRESTING ME ON MY BIRTHDAY?!"
I was ready to fuck him until he pulled the "I might be bi curious" card. Now its turned into a guilt fuck. It's like he's a 3rd world child in need of a sexual orientation.
He's grinding topless with a group of girls to that discovery channel song. May I take a message?
I just walked in on my lesbian roommate having sex in the kitchen, and it was awesome. We proceeded to shots naked together. Happy birthday to me.
I just discovered I can sober up while teaching class
to have them in my mouth would be like meeting a unicorn while floating on a cloud of glitter
After 7 months of nothing.. shall we throw your vagina a party? as its reinstatement into society?
like, there should be nothing wrong with me wanting to watch you put on a bikini and roll around in a kiddie pool of jello
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