im sorry but my first introduction to your dick isn't going to be a pic sent from the men's room
No. untill you have done a puke that contains nothing but semen and tequila, you do not 'feel my pain'
Ya after that i took a dump on a car... We're definitely partying with him again
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
he gave me a new purse full of weed and five boxes of samoas for my birthday. best boyfriend ever.
Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
He sent me a text from across the party that said "your sexy." I just couldn't.
I'm a 23 year old adult who just ordered condoms online from Target because I'm still too embarrassed to buy them in the store.
Did you know they have a bouncer at Applebee's because I did not
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
WTF. I was 99% sure I went straight home last night. I just woke up hugging a chair, and my tux pocket has a flask filled with what I think is red bull and gatorade. This has to be your doing.
He was about to go in...and he fell off the bed. Ruined mood!
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
Randomize
