Add "its too hot" to reasons why I don't get fucked anymore
apparently my insurance doesn't cover road head. Bummer.
I just bedazzled my weight watchers points calculator. You can tell I'm gay.
I have a spoon shaped bruise on my ass...
We name dropped you at the liquor store and got a ten percent discount!
we tried to steal a tractor last night. you should have come out.
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
Tell them you aren't trying to make money, you are just the mr rogers of weed,its such a good feeling a very good feeling the feeling you know that were friends
This 35 year old just told me that he was headed to the dance floor and it was about to get real dangerous......was that an invite?
Never play truth or dare with a girl who carries a dildo in her purse. I'll never go to a Denny's again.
like when you break up with someone your virginity slowly starts to grow back & when it's done it's like ding ding ding you're ready to date again
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.
Holy shit dude........stairs
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
Randomize
