she's leaving w me bro, I've been buying her mad shots. She's seen my apt. So locked down.
everyone is single if you try hard enough
I decided to name her "day after thanksgiving" because I am sure I just got someone elses leftovers.
Don't bite the hand that gives you multiple orgasms
Your two fuck buddies playing ping pong together. HOW. ADORABLE!
His penis is literally smaller than my cell phone. I can't go out like that.
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
it's like if youve been living with the grinch for 15 yrs and then santa shows up with a big gift begging to fuck the christmas spirit back into you. no one can say no to santa.
well apparently i was just calling everyone cunts. then i awoke from my blackout to 3 very mad roommates who didn't bring a key out with them
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
And then my night got REAL pukey
I was just thinking about if my bath water turned to jello and got a little freaked out
ive started thanking my toys after masturbating. might be time to get some fuck boys
Woke up with a pineapple again... where do i keep on getting these ??
I'm her ex, so unless you're interested in her massive moral failings and open season vagina, I'm not your guy.
Randomize
