I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
guess who just got paired up at the beer pong table with the fat girl who's nipples are hanging out...
but what if he tries to talk dirty to me with the lisp?
That's ok. I found a crab leg in my bed and have no pants on.
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
I knew we would be good together when you made me lick jameson off your boob while you screamed along with racks on racks
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
No, they seem attractive after SIX beers, after three they're just the gender you're looking for.
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
Now that makes it sound like you had sex with a guy in batman costume and you never took the mask off so you can't 100 percent be sure.
Never have i felt more judged than when i was throwing up in front of a hello kitty shower curtain at 5 in the morn
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
He said he looked out his window and I was sitting in the grass with blood everywhere talking to a dog.
If everything else in my life fails, at least I just had one of my top orgasms
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
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