hey, what are you doing tonight?
sleeping, g'night!
but i wanted to see you :(
sleeping! g'night!(801): i miss you!
stop - you have a right hand - use it!
so it turns out you can rearrange the letters in "scottsdale" to spell "milf city." who knew?
No, veal is cruel because they chain them down, I'm talking about free range human babys here.
I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
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how should i go about explaining the hickey i drunkenly gave myself last night?
does pizza still have the 5 second rule in the bubble bath?
Nothing like a $37 iTunes bill. Jesus Christ do you know how many $2 beer/shot specials that is??? The answer is 16. 16 beer/shot specials.
Is he gonna be my crazy ex? Cause we weren't even together for as long as my weeklong bicurious lesbian relationship.
So is that the only criterion for shenanigans now? Don't die?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
There were containers of weed in the piñata. How much more Colorado does it get
Just shared a bacon biscuit with my cat.... Life is weird for me right now
How did the surgery go?
My face feels like a marshmallow.
She's better-looking with the mask on.
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