Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
God dammit. Now I'm pissed at Arizona, while feeling bad for my poor, poor penis.
I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
all i wanted to do was something grown up. like go to applebees and drink.
He said something pertaining to Ragu and vodka I'm worried
There are at least 3.6 billion human cocks in this world. Get some. Get as many as humanly possible. Literally. Do it. 1-2-3 go!
And he probably thinks I'm in love with him but after three shots of Patron you love anything
Ideas for halloween. We need simple yet hilarious. Cheap yet effective. Slutty yet acceptable. Go.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Gin and redbull in a wine glass. They think I'm keeping my wits with a really yellow Chardonnay. Gonna get ugly after a couple.
Okay, who took a picture of their pubes shaved into a dragon on my phone and made it the background?!
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
Last night's dream consisted of you, me, a sauce pan full of cocaine and light sabers. I almost cried when I woke up.
Had to leave my skype meeting to vomit. I'm obviously ready for the real world.
Sharknado 3 is going to bring us to alcoghol poisonign
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