lets hang out tonight and do stupid stuff.
Dating you for 6 months was stupid enough. But thanks.
and she was petting her beer can
I woke up 25 minutes ago and have been high for 20. Impressive?
You know what is really helpful - when the two guys you want to fuck stand next to each other. Stay tuned for who wins
I think it might be brain cancer. Hangovers can't be this bad
We decided we needed a drinks fridge in our bathroom.
Sometimes I wonder if my parents know that I mean horny when I say lonely.
That's the only definition of lonely that I know.
I picked a bad day to wear the catch me fuck me shoes.
Did someone catch you and fuck you?
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
Then, right before he came he said "I want to buy you so many things!" What the fuck?!
Why am I sticky / covered in baby Tylonel?
As you passed out you started to cry and say "Mufasa" over and over again making everyone else cry.
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
what are you getting to drink for new years?
well seeing as how i just got diagnosed with a uti, whatever we can mix with cranberry juice
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
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