Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
How are you going to pay for strippers in Vegas when you were just begging for McDoubles?
idea:have a jello shot stand(opposed to lemonade stand) to raise money for spring break
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
I tried exercising today. I ended up masturbating to the Wii fit trainer.
I am going to be fat forever.
Well duh, alcohol and getting fucked up are the world's common languages.
Rehydrating your liver back to life is never a good idea.
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
You know how I know she's ugly? 97% of her profile pics are flowers or animals. And what do we know about pretty people and the Internet?
I think I have a bro crush.. When I imagine him, I imagine him waking up to go take a shower and just finding three bitches making out waiting for him. Like that awesome.
This guy dressed as a piece of paper for Halloween, I felt it was only necessary to sign his penis
We were having sex and my nose just started pouring blood. He reached down to the floor, grabbed a sock and held it to my nose. He just kept pounding away like nothing was happening.
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
It's such a sad loss when a hot guy finds Jesus and grows a neckbeard
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
Randomize
