U r making out with a 12 year old get ur shit together
My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
why would she cut her hair? she needs all the distractions possible from those texas-sized gums and horse teeth.
I'm starving. my midnight snack, aka a teaspoon of cum, isn't holding me over
nutella sex= disaster
Everything is bigger in Texas. Including Colt's vagina.
Even when you're not here I still manage to get pad thai in my vagina
He asked me if we could throw a lingerie party together so I guess he's single again
I'm wearing a real bra and real shoes. I look like a fucking lady.
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
YOU DON'T JUST GET TO CALL AND SAY YOU MIGHT BE DEAD, THEN NOT ANSWER!
I'm studying. And by studying I mean I am laying on my floor drinking boones farm alone. Last two weeks. Fuck it.
In 18 months of being married we've had sex with 7 different couples. Who said you can't have your cake and eat it.
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
so apparantly i made out with 24 santas last night...and an elf...and a stoner
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