She was like a white Oprah, but with less conviction.
Dude, just got a bummer.
What??
A blow job from a homeless chick.
He finally told me that he's married. I guess it doesn't really matter.
I swear to god he was trying to crawl under my door last night muttering "I'm Alex Mac! I'm Alex Mac!"
I'm wearing this super skanky ass dress that's wayyy to slutty for church but I think Jesus will appreciate it because i look so bangin for his bday.
So my girlfriend used a threesome to tell me she wanted to leave me for a girl... Not entirely sure how I should feel about that.
The AC broke so he ended up sleeping in the front yard and left his one night stand on the couch.
You just made it sound like a children's toy! It's a functioning body organ, my vagina is not a gameboy!!!
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
Eat your greens and take your tequila shots
My lash glue is stronger than my sense of self respect
I don't think I can get drunk, high or horny enough to even consider that
Goat in kitchen.....explanation?....
My penis definitely considers my Captain Cock costume a success
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