I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
no, no I am DEF NOT pregnant. typo. sorry, wanted to talk about us...
It is virtually impossible to listen to single ladies and perform any seated task.
She volunteers at a homeless shelter. You volunteered to drink 7 day expired milk for $3. No chance. Give up.
We all have a cross to bear. Yours just happens to be attracting gay men.
He tipped the stripper with quarters. After that not even the waitress would talk to us. I had to move to another table to get a lapdance
his phone is always ringing though. It makes me feel like I'm dating a doctor who's always on call.
yeah, dating a doctor sounds much better than fucking your drug dealer.
I'll even give you a complementary welcome blowjob.
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
Well at least the house will be decorated when u get evicted.
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
Note to self: if you decide to go to the gym when you're coming down from your day high to shoot some hoops, do NOT play pickup basketball with the big black dudes who need a sixth
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
Getting high with your mom, but thinking of you!
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
Randomize
