I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
why did u let me go home with him last night?
u were determined it was a good idea
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
do you know what somber means? it's kinda the opposite of a kegstand
So he didn't pull out. And I like flipped out. And the he told me to chill and opened up a drawer full of packs of Plan B and handed me one.......
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
My life has come to reading articles about dating an ex heroin addict. I'm doing well.
I'm just mad because I can't play gta5 all day tomorrow cuz I'll be in court testifying against a craigslist prostitute...
My Midnight Kiss was a Big Mac.. Happy New Year
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
I like that you use a Disney movie to describe the starting of our BDSM relationship, lmao
I'm sending you a dick pic. Ill tell the other ppl in this pancheros its cool
Don't send a pic of dick unless it's inside the burrito
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
Randomize
