Sorry you had to hear me puke. I didn't know I called you. Was it graceful?
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
Stoned ambition #8. Must learn sign language.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I may or may not have shit out a layer of my liver after that weekend.
Stop leaving me alone with my ex boyfriends after keg challenges. Woke up in his bed covered in what you think would be cum. No...toothpaste. He left a note. "Be home at four. Don't be here when I get back."
She sucked my dick and I swear I almost had to send a search party into her mouth to find it. IT WAS THAT AMAZING.
If she has AMC, I may have to fuck her today. I want to catch up on the walking dead.
Pretty sure that molly fried my sinus infection away; i regret nothing
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Now I'm obligated to stay and cuddle with her because the condom broke. Fuck.
Can I get high for this class every tuesday? Its like a multi-sensory carnival acid trip.
Ok maybe second best. He dated a stripper. Can't compete with that level of hoeness
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
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