He was dressed in cheap leather and smelled like death.
We better get laid next semester cause I prayed hard
I even walked 30 feet with my eyes closed from two love rocks so that we get some cock
i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
She acts like you when your on meds
She acts like batman?
this guy is so high, he just ate half of a frozen blueberry muffin and half of a frozen poppyseed muffin, then proceeded to make a "hybrid poppyberry muffin"
When I was with my girlfriend I was averaging 1 random hookup a week. In the 2 months I've been single I haven't got any. I think I need her back.
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
Ohhh,that's true. Babies are only fun when you're high. Otherwise, they're the worst kind of people.
Every man needs a table where they can sit and reflect on the successful penile conquests of the day.
HIV testing and a light brunch. Sounds like a great way to spend Christmas Eve.
Maybe you'll have a Christmas miracle
I wasn't half as drunk as u but u were saying u were a "worm" and u tried to slither out of my grasp
I don't know what's worse the fact that I woke up with a clit piercing or the fact that I didn't pay for it.
I woke up missing my shoes and my left eyebrow. MY. EYEBROW.
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
Randomize
