I dont know why I dont listen to you more often. He wont stop texting me. And his signature is "dancing with no panties on"
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
I'm bleeding from my lower lip, and I have bruises around my neck. It was just easier to say I got mugged.
it took me 20 minutes to get her upstairs... she crawled under a car and wouldn't come out.
I've done nothing but whore my gay ex bf out for the past 48 hours. It's getting weird.
If you get me so fucked up I can't use the microwave , I'm going to be so mad at you
Bring your friend that fell asleep in the bathroom for my friend.
I have a very important question for you: what are some good rules to have if we want to turn the nfl draft into a drinking game?
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
We grabbed as many adult diapers as we could and made a run for it.
We knew it was an interesting night when we found my thong wrapped around a chocolate chip muffin in the fridge.
Can I come over and use your shower? My roommate got drunk last night and took my bathroom door off its hinges
i feel like every weekend turns into a giant blur of i dont want to know...
If he doesn’t slap your ass with his drumsticks, then I don’t wanna hear about it.
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