I just fell for a fake 50 dollar bill in a urinal. Fuck pittsburgh
DO NOT FUCK HIM ON MY BEAN BAG CHAIR
My last google search last night was 'vodka swimming pool'.
Where can I buy a trophy for a Groupie Award?
She had sex with a merch guy. . . band guys make you groupies, Merch guys just means she's easy.
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
Tim said I dropped my taco in a puddle and still ate it.
Just hit him with your car. I can guarantee he won't do it again.
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
To be honest. I have two poptarts in my jacket pockets. No one knows. I am pro stealth.
I have 3 vacation days left and I'm guarding them like a gay dragon on a pile of gold dildos molded after celebrities.
Smaug the FABULOUS
just had sex in a stairwell with six feet five inches worth of drama
Is there a nice, calm way of telling your friend/housemate/former lover/person who does not reciprocate your feelings that your period is late?
I don’t care that he’s a decade younger. He’s cute and I need a good penising
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