mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
The old saying is "its not the size of the boat-- but the motion of the ocean" is obviously for those on the "Small side." I am of the belief that "You can't churn butter with a toothpick"
we're all still whores. we just have a theme song now.
Ya. I was the definition of a shit show. I woke up outside my door when my alarm went off
just saw someone in just a bathrobe not even tied shut run to the bathroom with a facefull of cum. Someone had a good night
See this is why people shouldn't jump into marriage. See what type of drunk you're engaged to first.
Oh my god. I just realized something amazing. If I get pregnant with a boy, that technically means I have a penis right??????
I made a list on my phone of places I want to fuck, it's right under my list of groceries I'm getting a little too used to regular sex but dude monogamy is the shit
you kept saying "i will not *breathe* regret this *breathe* in the morning *breathe* i just gotta remember *breathe* to BREATHE"
just almost had a panic attack because i couldn't find the granola bar i put in my purse. i miss klonopin.
Heard you were the one that shit off Jamie's balcony. FYI there is a cabbie down here out for blood
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
Btw his name is Woody. I must be really drunk to think this is a good situation
You know it's been a rough week when you funnel beers by yourself.
I have mastered the art of having sex on monkey bars.
Randomize
