Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
I woke up this morning with gum gluing my ass cheeks together..
I can't decide if I actually want to know or not..
Walking home still drunk in snow. Snowflakes are my only hydration..Need moreee
You only like me because I'm a challenge
You already blew me
I really can't get over how proud I am of all us getting laid at the same time in the same apartment
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
This is final. The chair stays in the bathroom, we are too old to be puking from the floor, grown ups sit in chairs infront of the toilet to puke.
Or grown ups don't drink themselves into vomiting.
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
I have a test in the morning in sign language about signs for drugs and alcohol use. Im drunk and rolling a blunt. I've never felt so confident about a grade in my life.
I wanna introduce you to my balls, Thunder and Lightning.
I'm using the bullet from my cock ring to massage out my tmj lock jaw from giving too much head.
We have a bucket list tonight. Not done yet. Gotta climb a building
Baruch atah adonai DAT ASS DOE
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
you were walking down the sidewalk and just puked. didnt even stop or slow down and just kept going. i was so impressed i didnt even tell anyone you threw up on passing peoples shoes.
Randomize
