Just because we had intercourse doesn't mean we're friends.
Apparently I'm at the point in my life where I can wake up with a dick in my face and then go back to sleep
i'm in that phase where i'll swallow anything except food
My night ended with Em alternately crying and throwing up in the arms of a guy wearing a cutoff and a tiara. I sat holding a garbage can and wine glass full of water wondering how our night got to this point.
I made a Wendy's employee say fuck this and quit because I started flipping out due to a baked potato shortage. Of course I had a good night
You told her dad that you were gonna "superman that ho" I love the first impressions you make
I hugged the bouncer as we left.
I find it ironic...the gays are dying to get married & I just want a fucking divorce
She sleeps with her hand around my balls. First I thought it was just a comfort thing. Now I think it's to make sure I can't slip away in the middle of the night.
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
Well, if it's rabies, your lips will swell just prior to the frothing. Get a lot of good pics!
That dick was not the dick of a twenty year old
rowboat hit a rock. taking on water. going down fast. bring cheerios.
aye aye capn
Pretty sure this radio station is run by a cult. Good thing it's in Spanish, can't brainwash someone who can't understand you.
Don’t get me wrong—I love silver and bracelets—but handcuffs are not a good look on me…
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