how was that guy you hooked up with?
i used to think blowing a .05 was a good thing
i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
I see an opportunity for you to use your nakedness to cure my boredom.
That girl you went home with last night was dressed in a bright blue sweats at the bar. 205lb Smurffete FTL. Boy were you in epic form.
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
We lost Kevin again. Probably kidnapped by fattie 2 or butter-face 2 from last night. We need names and any information you can give us. Last scene with his shoe laces converted into a belt.
my roommate just showed me the scar on her forehead... that she got from a shake weight... That. just. happened.
my dad has now seen 6 different dudes grab my ass. i guess i should start a list.
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
Her tramp stamp said call me maybe. You should have run for the nearest decontamination shower immediately.
I haven't had a bra on since I quit my job.
What do I do with all this pork broth? I can't waste it.
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I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
Nah, i wasn't offended. Having a bridesmaid who you had had multiple threesomes with your future husband would be weird.
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
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