if i could have babies with my dog i totally would cause i know thay would be fucking hott babies.
she left out the fact that she had a kid until she told me not to suck on her tits too hard or milk would come out.
he asked me if i would dance for him to make it easier for him to jack off. does that answer your question.
it is entirely possible that the police will be knocking on the door in 25 minutes
all i remember is him tryin to explain to the girls how to effectively hit the strip club with their bfs
hes actually pretty persuasive when he drinks
nah i think i'm gonna take my landlord's kids trick-or-treating instead. apparently the houses around here hand out wine to the adults and candy to the kids.
He just told an 8 year old to go fuck himself so we probably won't be in the butterfly exhibit much longer.
I got really upset at the McDonald's worker. They should serve nuggets 24/7. Apparently 5am is breakfast for some people.
I've got your keys and your panties. You can have one back. Your play honeybuns.
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
Godammit I caught my hair on fire taking a bong rip
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like picking cocaine boogers out of your nose at your parents house.
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
She is beauty she is grace
she’s masturbsting in front of an open window while drunk af 9am
i thought you had class
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