I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
i am sick of getting naked and seeing how fat i am.
I puked last after eating a volcano taco and drinking vodka. I felt like a fucking dragon.
you were stumbling around in your attic looking for all your swim team medals because you wanted to "feel like a champion."
Day 8 of being sober: Sniffed an empty beer bottle at a restaurent and almost licked it. This is not working
we flagged you as soon as you tried to put the lime in the microwave to prove it was really a kiwi. again.
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
we got cut off at 8 am. He spilled his drink three times on the plane. this should be one hell of a vegas trip
You had us pull over so you could pee, you proceeded to pee in some random persons front yard while yelling "im not ashamed"
So she just had an emotional breakdown over a birthday card with a peacock on it. Yeah. She's pretty drunk, but we made it home safely.
then looked at this little girl next to me and was like "don't drink when you get older and don't let your best friend be with assholes." she looked at me like i was crazy
You should be able to leave recommendations on Tinder.
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
I mean my dick does have feeling again, which is a step in the right direction
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
Magyver!
Randomize
