so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
we need a dd. For wednesday. At lunch. What are we doing with our lives?
succeeding
i almost hope i AM knocked up so i can ruin the rest of his life
Congratulations!! You are the WINNER of a brand new BLOWJOB!! You can collect your prize between the hours of 12pm and 1pm today, anywhere you'd like!!! :)
It's 9am. I'm four lines ahead of you already. Wake up.
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
I told you, she may have multiple personality disorder, but like in the most upbeat way possible.
I figured if he was OK cheating on his gf with a guy, he'd be OK with me posting his number to m4m Craigslist Ads
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
We're listening to drake in the middle of the woods and smoking two joints at once...my life is complete.
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
We stood outside the room listening to them have sex and making meow noises
That's not right, is it?
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