Buying beer for freshmen. No matter what they ask for, I'm getting them Colt 45.
so then you were screaming "GIVE ME KELVINS!" and heating things up in the microwave and no one knew what you wanted
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
new rule: i'm not touching his penis until he takes me out to dinner.
you know, if you actually abided by that rule there would be many more successful restauranteurs in ohio.
we just got kicked out of the mexican restaurant. i have a full pitcher of margarita's hiding under my coat.
But Monday we'll be living in a post-apocalyptic hellscape. Also, I'm going to a champagne tasting.
I think i smell like relationship. That's my problem.
Sorry I punched you in the throat. You got in my way. You understand.
well he said my boobs made him believe in love at first sight so that's cool
ill be home in an hour. Be in my bed ready for disappointment
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
Is it possible to hurt your vagina working out, because I think my Dumbass accomplished that... 😯😟😒😓
Do I even want to know?
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
I'm studying. I have a really exciting life lol
It's hard to say that sarcastically after having sex in a movie theater
I just had to ask my drug dealer to "keep it simple for me". Is this a new low?
We've done worse things
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