phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
Sober January is a disaster.
Found him. He was passed out on the couch at the new place in a room full of burnt pizza smoke.
And then I interrupted the father of the groom, to ask if she was "ballet or pole" in the middle of his story about his niece, the dancer.
Mass texted booty calls to all the guys I've hooked up with this year to commemorate the end of the semester.
The last two times I had sex with him I forgot who it was half way through
Slept with the roommate last night and also discovered that she believes in eugenics. I may need to slow down my drinking
How many more of your relationships do I have to destroy before you realize sleeping with me isn't a good idea?
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
I can feel your judgement through the phone
I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.
*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.
What do you think would be the best way to remove a baby carrot from a vagina?
I am mildly hung over. Decided pants are very unnecessary right now.
I need to take my iPad to the Apple store (when this is all over). Do I need to delete all my dick pics/videos or are they used to stumbling across that sort of thing?
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
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