wow, i just saw a girl period all over the floor. get my shoes
So can I buy you a drink sometime?
Sure, but make it a double, I'm drinking for two these days.
I just experienced a full blown christian wedding. I am SO GLAD YOUR WEDDING WASNT THIS.
I was just on craigslist and saw and ad for a naked yoga instructor. I will no longer be jobless.
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
it's like a walk of shame rule, you always run into someone who saw you wearing that yesterday
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
I woke up next to him fully clothed but my thong was around his neck. Polling to decide if we had sex or not starts now.
Is buying her a loofah for my house commitment like? I don't wanna give the wrong idea
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
Dad's teaching me to make moonshine this weekend as "college prep". How scared should I be sis?
It will be interesting
Isn't that your life's motto?
Come on kid, foreplay is elementary stuff. It's a vagina, not a sphinx.
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
Uhhh...I just found your 10 dollar bill in my bra. I owe you 10 dollars.
Randomize
