I kept feeling my boobs..just to make sure they were still there.
I'm literally partying with O.J. Simpson's son right now. I don't know what to make of this.
Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
we are playing family charades. my sister pointed at me. everyone guessed alcoholic.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just realized how early it is, you're taking this booty call thing to a whole other level. also, there are altoids all over my room, that was weird
I want a calm night. Not one where I wake up to you topless and bloody.
How bad is it that I'm banned from all of your family functions due to sleeping w/ both your brother and sister and they both hate me for pursing a relationship with either of them.
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
Also just throwing this out there I don't think anyone who brings another girl back to your bed to share with you can qualify as a frigid bitch
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
the only two hours i was sober on this trip and i managed to break my toe. no one will believe this.
Hey! Where are you? It's Irrisponsible Patio time and you're not here firing shots down summer student's throats
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
While we were doing it he looked up at me and said "Does your husband fuck you this good?" Talk about a mood killer....
What's the blow job-backrub exchange rate these days? I've got some killer stress knots
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