oh God, I have a dick of a middle schooler
apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
You're breaking my vagina 4 times a day I reserve the right to know your middle name.
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
hes trying to draw the periodic table on his chest with a sharpie. i'm not sure how thats going to help him on his chem final, but he keeps shouting "this is how the pros do it"
you better not pull some "waking up at 2 in the afternoon" shit, we have weed to smoke.
Just hit a cone using a lit sparkler. Tastes like I might die but it was magical.
Very excited! Vodka will be shot, dicks will be ridden, and memories made.
I realize it truly is impossible to burrow under the grass like a mole. Let's not drink for at least another 3 days.
Drunk Jeff aka Dreff thinks he's about 3x cooler than be really is and about 100x better at dancing than he really is
There's "red head", "preppy white girl" and "the two Asians I dated and now everyone thinks I like Asians"
Your dating history is like the united colors of Benetton
My mom just said "okay girls, the ONLY thing i ask is that you stay sober Saturday afternoon, until halfway through lunch. And you don't wear that crystal camo hat. This is a funeral, not a tailgate party"
Best wishes.
Also I ordered a dildo and I'm not sure if I want it still, so there might be a free dildo in your future
he called her and asked for me. he wants to do dinner and a movie
her booty call wants to take you to dinner?
Randomize
