Where did you get a picture of my penis
just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
Well unless he sent his sperm via fedex, this baby isnt his
thought i was the most hungover person in class until i saw a kid puke into his bookbag...he wins
You convinced her to break up with her boyfriend, made out with her all night, got her to buy us all shots then went home with a different girl...
That explains the "i hate you" text. But the facebook deletion is a bit harsh
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
A reason for us to be drunk all week National Singles Week
I got laid while wearing a shirt with a picture with my little brother deep throating a banana on it.
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
Nah leave him alone, he is at the strip club with his mom.
april was a good month for me, sexually...doubled my number, had a threesome, fucked a girl for the first time and two different boys in one night. there should be a medal
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