Sometimes when I whip my dick out it looks REAL impressive. This, was NOT one of those times.
My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
Swine flu is the new snow day.
I think it is impossible 2 take a person seriously when their last name is Pancake
So not only did you shoot down my invitation and prob walked past my house but now ur excluding me from a wet t shirt contest which btw i totally would have won
High me just had to pick the lock on my sisters room because I locked my vodka in there. I love vacation.
telling her she was ovary-acting wasn't the greatest idea. doing it in a text so she could see your spelling was where you really went wrong, though.
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
If there was a bread and water delivery truck id make sweet hungover love with it.
You forgot the part where I played Slip and Slide with my own puke and fucked up my knee.
btw my ex came by last night and saw the pregnancy test intructions. awkwarrrrd.......
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
Everyone in Columbus is two degrees of separation from my vagina.
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
Randomize
