just read twilight to her over the phone, while in the bathtub, candlelight...i'd love to say no homo but that was so gay.
im goin to the NYE party with a tuxedo painted on my body. i know a girl who does it. wanna join?
She kept saying the tortilla understood her. I honestly don't know where she found a tortilla at the pool.
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
Aaaaand then she sang MDMA to the tune of the YMCA song, with appropriate gestures.
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
I have your car and your sandals. My shoes are somewhere under the puke couch. Safari time.
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
Dude I introduced the hot Russian girl to the hot Ukrainian girls. I am a UN ambassador
To be fair, I'm probably one of the better candidates for the role of 'baby daddy' in this town
it's not that I hate people, I just want to rip most of their faces off.
This pedicure right now is the most physical I've been with a guy all month
he told me he liked me . I thought we were just fuck buddies . This ruins everything!
Haha do not judge my life style choices right now but me and Dj had sex twice and then he helped me pick an outfit out for my date
I woke up next to him with nothing on and my thong around his neck. I just put my clothes on and left, but he still has my thong.
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