Your lack of dick hurts my anus. I hate your loverboy tactics.
You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
I love how adderall is equivalent to money on a college campus. just got a ride home and paid the driver in adderall...yeeah buddy
Even my Russian and Serbian roommates think I drink to much.
You never did explain why you were in wal-mart with a wok full of popcorn.
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
Drunk texting with my high school teacher. This hurricane is bringing out the best in everyone!
Just turned your apartment into a democracy and were voting on who takes shots next
Nothing says casual like stairwell bjs
I was too drunk to remember throwing up so i probably didn't learn my lesson
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
He woke up and decided to go for a swim in the lake... At about 3am... With his dogs
Apparently I drunkenly told him I was going to ride him to the rodeo and break him like a bronco, then I stole his nachos and beer. Adulting is hard!!!
I now have scissors specifically made for cutting dicks off.
Randomize
