Spring semester is just not the same w/o you
I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
just turned my empty handle of passion fruit smirnoff into a fish bowl. I love college.
I wish Facebook had filters like: Ivy League school, frat boy, straight, extremely wealthy, great in bed.. I would check all of them
I just want one of her status not to be about Jesus.
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
Your penis chewing exercise is not working
she's like the billy mays of hookups...touch my boobs and i'll throw in this blow job ABSOLUTELY FREE
Someone please drive out to my house to bring me a beer.. There are some in the fridge but I just can't get up
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
You gave your one night stand my number. I told him you left for your sex change an hour ago.
Man, it's really obvious that I was either handcuffed or tied up last night. Either way, not something you'd want coworkers knowing.
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
To potentially get me laid, I need you to send me your favorite memes.
Randomize