onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
I dont know why I dont listen to you more often. He wont stop texting me. And his signature is "dancing with no panties on"
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
Does it make me a prostitute if I accepted a Life House concert ticket for giving this guy head?
No. It just means your good at giving head.
I woke up at 4 am to my roomate peeing all over my clean laundry. He thought he was in the bathroom and yelled at me for being in the bathroom with him while he was peeing.
Well the "Blackout with your sack out" party turned out predictably.
I considered my 2012 starting right when the cop followed the wrong car for the bottle rocket we shot at him
This is most sickening thing I've ever seen, and I threw up my body weight in jello shots on my birthday.
Bring the pizza ill bring the boundaries we can cross
Drunk enough that you donated $50 to taco bell, because they serve a great purpose.
I have an erection and I'm about to go through airport security.
come over. We can flirt with the criteria for substance abuse and talk about our daddy issues
ALL I WANT IN MY MOUTH IS A GLORIOUS COCK SMOTHERED IN CHOCOLATE. DICK AND CHOCOLATE; IS IT TOO MUCH FOR A GIRL TO ASK FOR?!
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
Randomize
