So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
Apparently throwing up on your own cape is still a party foul
Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
how drunk are you?
What does that even mean anymore?
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
It's cheaper then a lap dance and you get your hair cut.
pregamed for the floor meeting. so stoned. i keep thinking my RA is shrinking.
I think she finds the idea of a naked fat man lying on the table and holding our butter offensive
Well I mean he is in a slightly seductive pose
Can you explain to me why there are fake boobs glued on my chest?
First of all you can never say anal too much. Second I now think you're a total gentleman.
Rarely has that paragraph ever been put together
I get a nose bleed and my uncle is automatically giving me the "your doing lines off dashboards again aren't you" look
She's calming us down by shoving oreos in our mouths
No, supporting your unemployed boyfriend IS NOT what credit cards are for.
My mute roommate is using sign language to ask a guy to fuck her.
We had an argument over whether or not she had super strength. She settled it by dragging me to the bed room and throwing me on the bed. Then forcefully fucking me. She won the argument.
Randomize
