I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
I never doubt that you might be drinking at any moment.
her dad's the mattress king, she's genetically engineered to be good in bed
There really should be an "avoid ghetto" option on my GPS.
while fucking on the counter the whip cream was conveniently right next to us. i love thanksgiving
I just got hit on by my highschool french teacher. I need to stop going to this bar.
i think you may have a shot to cock block in a moment. just saying.
Wake up an cock block please bc these are noises i dont ever want to hear again
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
I know. In fairness he did tell me to throw up out his window onto his roof so I don't think he's pissed at me but I'm still mortified by the whole situation.
I just remembered you petting my nose last night to help the cocaine 'sink in'. I don't think that's how it works
A unicorn in pinstripe pants just got on the J at Dolores stop. It can only be a good night
I pretty much just wake up, masturbate at least twice, and go to the beach. #Unemployed. I do look for jobs in between all that tho.
I know we agreed to cock block each other from now on buttt I WANT this one. I have felt his penis, it is godly, and I am going to have it inside of me, so shut the fuck up and leave.
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
Randomize
