There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
he was so hot that i framed the used condom. it's not trash, it's art.
i study at coffee shops because all these damn artsy people motivate me to work towards a real job.
I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
it took you forty minutes to realize it was a gay bar.
That's the point dumbass, I can't use my boss as a reference cause they'd have to fucking call him in prison.
I'd just like to say before I start drinking tonight that not only do I not find you attractive; I don't want to hook up with you, suck your dick, be your "suga mama" or have your babies. Please disregard any texts, phone calls or voicemails that say otherwise..
That bar is one yeast infection away from total annihilation.
Nothing says besties like laying naked in bed hungover arguing over who is getting the pants
I just walked past a guy banging a chick in the back of his car.
Are you awake? I feel like I need to confess my sins to someone not on this side of the country.
I want to die, ON THAT, with that INSIDE ME. ironically, I sense that would be the only time I'd feel alive.
For a second I thought he was going to give me an intervention
You can't give interventions in a bar!
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
Randomize
