Today I realized that I've had whole drunk relationships with people. And sober me has and wants no part in it.
ok understand this, i didn't pay for your dinner bc you said i wasn't going to get a blowjob for at least a month... this isn't a mail-in rebate deal, you gotta pay upfront
currently hungover, lying in bed and cutting cheese with my drivers license. ashamed? not even a little bit.
Hello wreck, this is your train calling.
I might scale it back and go as an investment banker. Which is the exact same costume as James Bond on LSD. I just introduce myself differently.
Tell me you didn't have sex with my dad.
I'm sorry I compared your vagina to nascar
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
You better fucking tell me or I'm turning blow job week into go fuck yourself week.
They're fighting and it sounds intense. Cross your fingers for their demise
Toss in some raw meat and play heavy metal music. It will insight violence.
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
I gave my girlfriend a ring to celebrate our anniversary, she thought It was an engagement ring. Now im getting married and I don't know what to do.
I woke up on a different floor than I went to sleep on. Can't find my shoes.
sexting just seems like too much work right now.
Dude come over...were drunk and I'm holding a T-shirt gun and discovered beer cans are the same size as rolled shirts.
Randomize
