This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
I have shoes on. No pants. And my jacket pockets are full of ketchup and grass. Yes. Good night.
No, you dont understand, he literately fucked me into a new hairstyle, quite nice too.
DO NOT GO IN OUR BATHROOM. it cannot be unseen
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
WE SHOULD FUCK TWO GUYS THAT LIVE TOGETHER
THAT WOULD BE SO CONVENIENT WE COULD CARPOOL
I did sing regulators with a random black dude at The Rail without looking at the screen, hugged him and walked off stage. I pretty much live up to all expectations.
Bro my mom is in for two days and you can't even hold back on the drinking she said as she left i hope he doesn't always pee his pants and he is sure popular with the girls wtf
Get your clothes on you are our DD for the night. The usual three way payment
Are you awake? I feel like I need to confess my sins to someone not on this side of the country.
No we were too stoned to stop you from wiping the peanut butter all over the car.
I'm hungover and eating lunch at an elementary school. The children are barking. Litrealy barking, like dogs.
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
Randomize
