I should be sponsored by Trojan
she said she'd blow me if I bought one of her sorority raffle tickets. Goddamn it's gettin easy
he was already passed out before we got there, so i already knew i was going to like him
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
I feel like despite his sleaziness I could be friends with this man. he just sent me a picture of his dog's balls.
I was on my way last night when some asshole yelled "make better life choices" out the window of his car. I felt so self conscious I went home.
She left a blanket, pillow, a glass of water, and two advils in the bathroom for me. It's like she knew. Best room mate ever.
There was another blizzard last night and at one point I was drinking 3 beers at once. Driving home didn't seem like a wise option
I assume some self respect is too lofty of a gift idea
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
Pretty sure this ice cream truck is following me.
Is banging someone in the national guard considered a state service or a national one?
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
Randomize
