I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
sunday morning discovery: something purple, smelly, and sticky my hair. any suggestions?
just had a dream there were parent teacher conferences in college...scariest dream ever.
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
Thanks for alerting everyone in our apartment what your one night stand's name is. Could you scream a little louder?
He's single. I'm single. We should rekindle our eighth grade romance over a box of wine and carefree sex.
He thinks he's a sex addict. Just. My. Type.
I feel like you guys are talking about real things and have real problems and I'm just over here like 'should I take muscle relaxers or get drunk tonight?'
I don't remember... but I heard a cop threatened to pepper spay my dick
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
Some guy just ordered at Cosmo and 2 screwdrivers in the sky club at 8:30 am. I'm starting to feel a lot better about my alcoholism
I ate icecream cake off your tits for my birthday, if that's not love I don't know what is.
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
Trust me, I’ve got a sixth sense about dicks that tells me if a guy knows how to fuck and it’s tingling. You need to prove me right!
I’m not going to bang him just to confirm your Dickth Sense
The Dickth Sense!!! I love it! It’ll be our first porno!
Randomize
