John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
Got laid at the last second. Facebook chat is good for something afterall.
i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
My spanish isn't great but I'm pretty sure he was calling me a "little monkey" while I was blowing him
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
remember that response paper i wrote naked, at 745am still drunk with a naked dude in my bed? yeah, totally got an a- on that. and he loved my insight.
I just found a bag of teeth...
They wouldn't let me go to sleep at the police station while I was waiting to bail u out. YOU OWE ME
Btw after this weekend the chipndales costume has a 125% success rate.
Pretty sure the cab driver can even smell the sex coming from between my legs
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
Let me refresh your memory. New Year's Eve in the back of my car you grabbed my hand and said feel my tumor on my butthole and at that moment I swear we were infinite
You know when you meet a penis that looks like it was made out of all your hopes and dreams?
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
That guy u hooked me up with kept calling me james while were doing it...
I keep worrying she's gonna have a repeat of the time the ceiling fan was talking in Chinese
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