Sorry I couldn't answer your call, I'm expecting a call from Chris Hansen.
I'm guessing you didn't end up going to the bar last night.
Nope. Ended up at what I believe was a slumber party down the street.
You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
just a heads up, there may or may not be a mailbox full of the leftover beer on the table in your basement.
herpes texted me again. he says he wants my vagina.
ok we should really consider changing this guys nickname...
Try and take me seriously and don't look directly at my hair or the jizz on my pants.
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
It's like your nipple is comforting my nipple.
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
I'm daydrinking whiskey in a princess hat
Did you know they have a bouncer at Applebee's because I did not
I wouldn't know what to do. You never really mentally prepare for a cactus getting thrown at your face.
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
If you had a dick, I would hope it falls off and comes back to haunt you while fucking your ears at night. But you don't. But if you did, that's how mad I am at you
Would the comment "Down Goes Frasier" be too inappropriate at this time?
Whose the chick running for dorm president promising bigger dicks and softer toilet paper? That’s who I m voting for
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