Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
Need sex. Gaining weight.
...seriously? chocolate pudding? motorboating? No one has even done that to ME and i am 69 times the whore you are
I mean we're not committed. He's my first choice, sort of like miller lite. When I'm at the bar I'm going to order one, but if they don't maybe I'll go for a bud or blue moon. I'm certainly not going to stop drinking
I just puked on my dog.I feel summer coming on
Does your gf have any friends she can hook me up with?
Better looking than her though please.
Like if god were to send me a cock shot, that's what it would look like.
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
I just negotiated a blow job for an interview.
Sorry the STD update turned into an attempt at a bootycall, but at least we both know we're clean now
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
hey give me heads up if you're feeling vulnerable tomorrow night
Dude, did you really "knight me" and tell me I had permission to bang your sister last night?
He was so wasted he lit his sink on fire with shit he found in his room....it was smokeless. Chemistry majors drunk = the coolest shit ever.
on the bright side i found your panties and the lid to the nutella
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