I thought his dick was headless. then I pulled back the foreskin.
You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
I had to hold off a girl who was trying to check your pulse while you were passed out. She kept screaming that she was a nursing major and needed to make sure you were alive.
Dude he's your dog he doesn't love me more than you. I'm just like that cool uncle that takes him to burger king and to see girls.
I woke up next to him fully clothed but my thong was around his neck. Polling to decide if we had sex or not starts now.
You know what it feels like? It feels like I'm in that prison from the dark knight rises. That's what being a virgin in college feels like.
I'm considering having a threesome with my friend just so I can sleep with his boyfriend and not feel guilty about it.
To drink from my fkask next to a cop car or to not drink from my flask next to a cop car
Charles Manson is Getting Married and I stare down at my tits and wonder how I am possibly single.
You're like my little fucked up version of the groundhog seeing its shadow, only it's boobs and warm weather.
I need to start a penis folder so I stop "accidentally" showing people my junk. On a side note- St. Pattys penis was a hit, four leaf clover and all.
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
Can you explain to me why I showed my boobs to the firemen to get free beer?
I watched one of the videos of you hanging from the rafters, and it is both violent and sexual in nature.
Spent like 2 minutes so far learning and 35 minutes in a group chat talking about big asses. Yet another Wed zoom meeting.
Randomize
