That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
My room should be renamed "Land of the Misfit Condoms."
Almost propositioned sex in exchange for a study guide for my final tomorrow.
This is going to be another afternoon spent getting drunk in the shower, isn't it?
Remember when puke and rally meant a good time? Fuck pregnancy
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
I think now I understand why people say my penis is pretty.
If I win the lottery I'm going to hire someone to skywrite "FUCKTARD" over his house. That much anger.
I threw up off of your balcony and it must have been loud because the dog downstairs went insane.
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
You and your dick were a topic of high regard tonight
I have blood and BBQ sauce all over my shirt. I blame you for the blood.
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
Randomize
