I know I'm all grown up when I don't have to take my pregnancy test in the store bathroom anymore.
New level of stoned. My Terry's Chocolate Orange didn't 'whack-and-unwrap' so I ate it like an apple.
He gave me such a powerful orgasm I blurted out I love you. This is why just rebouding out of a serouis relationship is awkward.
Just gave my liver a good luck and I'm sorry speech
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bro i dont care how hot she was, you try keeping it up with the amount of puppet he had in her room, it was like fucking in jeff dunham's house
100 proof captain the only man who can make me strip during a snowstorm
Will it make you feel better if we wear the title of dysfunctional fucking roommates? It requires monogamy unless we want to bang someone together.
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
Just so you know, it is really hard to rehydrate when everything is spiked with everclear.
I just don't understand why we can't have sex in the house. I'll come see you but I'll have to think about the barn thing.
remember that party we went to sophomore year where we found that girl and had the orgy? Im totally at that house right now.
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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