I swear, if I find out you're lying, I'm going to put your name on one of those herpes watch websites and put the link up on every social networking site in existence.
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
He came all over my face... then said "YOU HAVE BEEN ROBBED!"
What's this douchebags name?
Rob...
Just desperately used the "it's a boy" cigar I saved from my\nnephews birth to roll a blunt
Feels weird sitting between two guys who've had their heads between my legs in a 24 hour span.
Lesbian chick is doing her presentation on the time she woke up on the dockside still drunk at 7 am. This is why I show up to chinese class.
Found a beard hair in my crotch.... care to explain?
I just ran into the married chick you banged 2 years ago at our apt! She asked me if I could get her coke! Memories bro. Memories
I just told the sun to stop. That hungover.
This is not 2004 anymore. It's not acceptable to get fingered while watching 'Ferngully' in a basement full of your friends.
As long as he continues to be our subleaser and continues to fuck me, I think it's acceptable for me to steal a piece of bread here and there.
I was going to say that I wasn't sure how that happened... but then I remembered that I bonded with the Australians over vitamins and INXS and they bought me tequila.
New fact of life: getting Becca high never helps any situation at all ever.
I just turned down an invite to sit on a face. IDK who I am.
What? Are you sick?
I want to disappear from this job like a fart in the wind.💨
Randomize
