I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
he put a lighter in my cleavage and said "you're like another pocket!"
It only takes once for you to drunkly piss on a chick for her to lose interest in you.
Dude, I had to masturbate just to stay warm. Please pay the gas bill?
If I sleep with another Spanish guy it is officially renamed my senor year.
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
We designated a driver... But it was me..... So we designated another driver
You are my mentor.
I drank wine out of a protein shake bottle last night. You may want to rethink that statement.
I built a fence. For the bunnies we're going to adopt. I'll fill you in when you get home.
Fucking in bar bathrooms doesn't count as "rushing things"
Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat dat dat dat dat ~uterus contraction~
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
Dude, you GARGLED with bleu cheese last night!
I have more important things to worry about than you drowning your cheerios in tequila.
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
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