An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
i would only ever fuck harry potter if he was on a broomstick.
this is hardly the first time i've been told i'm dressed "too suggestively" for 7 in the morning.
Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
We enjoyed our moment of partial gayness together
She's using our floating beer pong table as an air mattress to sleep on.
Boys that pee in my bed don't get happy birthday wallposts on facebook
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
I cunt my lip shaving. That's not a typo, it's a placement clue
Fuck you asshole. You cost me cheerleader pussy.
I manage to fit my wine bottle in my koozie and the rest is history
Just stay awake and booze cruise it to class. How are you a senior and have never went to class drunk? No excuses, I have a better gpa.
Randomize
