Twist it, pull it, flick it... Bop it was like the first time I touched myself.
i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
She has never blacked out. I have tried to get her to so many times. Apparently it's a lot harder than we make it out to be.
I need to have sex with you on our hotel room window ledge... This is a need not a request.
I feel like I need to get a restraining order against him but I'd probably be the one to break it.
The gay viking and his eqyptian 'queen' hooked up on our couches. They pushed them together to make a bed. Innovative, but awkward to come home from work to at 7 am.
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
I fell asleep on the air hockey table and someone turned it on, scariest shit ever when you're that fucked up
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
Dude he took a shit in the lake and it just floated around and lingered near our boat for 2 hours. I fucking hate that kid
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
If I'm walking weird, don't judge me. Things got kinda outta hand with the GoPro on.
He gave me an extra phone charger for the other side of the bed the other night. Is that love?
PokemonGo as navigation to get some at 5:13 AM. Life choices, yo.
Hahaha. I'm so high, this is gonna be so intense. Even the DVD menu scared the shit out of me.
Randomize
