I want to snug with you.
You want my snuggie?
Sadly no. But I was pantsless when they came to get me. Which made me miss you...
There was a gorilla playing an accordion outside of my last final. I miss college already.
I'm one shot of soco 100 away from fucking a mailbox
Why's my alcoholism being used to prove a point?
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
Where is a good place to buy a New Year's outfit that acknowledges I don't have tits but screams I suck dick like a champ?
He's drinking 50/50 vodka/water out of a camelback. Disaster would be a compliment at this point.
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
I beer bonged before it even hit 4 o' clock. Please get on my level homecoming style.
Guy just walked in with a 40 and a Honda steering wheel. Where the fuck am I?
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
I cannot believe all 4 of us had sex at the same time, in the same bed... And it didn't turn into a foursome..
I swear to god, no guy has been as interested in sticking stuff up my butt as this girl
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
Randomize
