stop calling my apartment porn island.
there were no ball for pong so he bought cat toys..... they had bells in them
I just wanted to yell " i am not a shake weight!!"
I love how my cats smell like pot.
omg i hate the new neighbors. why cant a bitch just be hungover in peace on a wednesday morning.
3 months til "no sober october" start prepping now. i cant have you bitch out on me halfway through like last year.
First of all, I don't like eggnog. Second of all too much rum is all bad. And thirdly I'm not there to sit in your lap and pretend you are Santa and I've been a bad girl.
Do me a favor? If you get with him, please lick his abs. Someone has too they're just too beautiful not to.
I gave him my yeast infection. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK?
It just makes me feel nauseous. And I don't want to feel nauseous when all I really want is to get off.
My flask has coffee in it for finals week.. So that's responsible right?
He is so pussy whipped she has made him change his name to Toby
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
What can I say I sleep with 40 year old Cougars because my mother gave me away at birth and apparently that's why says my therapist
Randomize
