i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
I buy you gas. You blow me. Economics.
No, we talked about it. They're cool with me living here as long as I sleep with them both.
You're a rent hooker.
I pretty much envision me eating a turkey leg whilst fucking you. I have priorities.
I dont even care how hung over I am, and how shitty this bus ride will be. That was the best sex of my life and it's a beautiful morning.
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
She's like an enigma, wrapped in a riddle, tossed in miller light, inside a question. Nobody can explain a Heather.
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
gorilla chasing a banana on crotch rockets. Halloween is getting way too real
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
Also, I pretty much need an IV of fluids straight to my soul
I fell asleep in the tanning bed, naked, for an hour and a half and I guess they couldn't wake me up so they called the fire department...and they came in while I was passed out naked...
The fact that I am laying in bed on my stomach with an ice pack on my rump is a clear indication that I am no longer in my carefree 20s
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
Justin has passed out on the toilet in a locked stall. Stay tuned for pics.
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