He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
so then they started chanting "LET'S GET A LITTLE BIT SCHWASTED. S-H-W-...WASTED!" theres nothing like partying with former high school cheerleaders
If you're going to watch porn, can you atleast be considerate and watch it on my old laptop and not the new one?
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
Cookies. Watch out fir falling satellites.
One reason I feel like garbage: Kraft single wine shots
She's dipping the chocolate graham crackers in marshmallow vodka for a 'campfire taste'
I'm not going to be your wingman while you are in the hospital.
So our trip to Disney World ended in the three of us stripping at a gay club in orlando.
She's been with the dude for a week saying she's in love. Yeah so am I. I just opened this beer 5 minutes ago and I LOVE IT ALREADY.
Dude we just exchanged Zelda related pickup lines. I fell in love at "you can blow on my ocarina"
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
Randomize
