If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
Billy Mays died!
I know. And the US is beating brazil...what's wrong with the world?
Just watched 1 guy 1 jar with my mom. Awkwardville...
T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
This guy legit just tried to LSAT formal logic his way into my pants. Contrapositives and everything.
I didn't want to have to tell you this, violating our brother/sister code not to discuss these things but: for the love of christ stop inviting that 21 year old idiot I slept with for six months to EVERY PARTY WE THROW.
Im sitting in church with a backpack full of beer bottles. This is friendship.
The bartender asked if I wanted a to-go cup for my crown and coke.....I just realized I'm back in Montana and fuck did I miss home.
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
I was so high I told him we should rub faces and pretend to be wombats. He was surprisingly enthusiastic about it.
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
How do you say "thats kinda illegal" in thai?
Why does 2015 have to start with so many regrets?
They're giving you narcotics aren't they?
If I offered to share would you come visit me?
There's a guy in a plaid shirt running around asking everyone if they want to head butt him
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